“Tell me, Kimi… what scares the hell out of you?”
“Never being a wife-- never sharing my ministry with someone.”
“Okay, so what if I called you to singleness for the rest of your life?”
“What if i did?”
“... Not my will, but Yours, Lord.”
“Then how is it so hard for you to keep walking even after I took them away?”
“I don’t know how to walk with a broken heart.”
“Yes you do, you’ve done it many times before.”
“Okay, well then i don’t like walking with a broken heart.”
“You seemed to love being broken hearted when you walked with them.”
“Well, maybe, but who is supposed to walk with me now? Who will hold my hand now?”
“I have two legs & an open hand. Are you ready?”
This is how the conversation went. This is how the new road started. I never knew until coming to Haiti that I was completely terrified of not just loneliness, but aloneness as well. I had always heard people say “being alone and being lonely aren’t the same thing!” but to me, they always seemed to be. I never liked naptime as a kid because I felt alone, I never enjoyed being alone on the weekends, I have always wanted to be in the company of people who love me. When I say ‘always’, I mean there used to never be a moment that I didn’t hate being by myself. Some people call this “FOMO” (“Fear Of Missing Out”), science calls it “Autophobia,” but what is it really? What does it mean if we are afraid of being alone? I wish I had a simple answer, but unfortunately I do not. However, I do have a few nuggets of wisdom that were passed down to me through older and wiser people who have gone before me and some revelations that I received directly from my heavenly father.
Since being in Haiti, I have learned many things just within my first month. One of the things I’ve learned is that I am inevitably stuck with two people for the rest of my life; God & myself. I use the word “stuck” more towards myself, but it’s safe to say that God isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Because I am only promised these two people, I think it would be smart for me to become good friends with them. Is it always easy to have a great relationship with them? Nope. The root of loneliness is insecurity and the root of insecurity is sin. So, to get rid of the feeling of loneliness, I must find the cause which is insecurity, and then I must uproot the source of the insecurity which is sin. For me, I have always longed for the approval of others. I have always wanted to be told that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, etc. If no one around me was telling me these things, how was I supposed to know if I am if I wasn’t relying on my source of life to reassure me? I learned very early on in my life that people will always fail you, whether in a big or small way. I learned that a lot of people, even unintentionally, will walk into your heart, search for things inside you that will benefit them, and then leave with the door wide open. So what do you do with that? How do you handle the aftermath of abandonment from not just one person, but several?
It’s inevitable. If not already, someone will disappoint you and leave you, whether that be a friend you’ve only known for a week at summer camp, or something more tragic and heartbreaking like a divorce. I, however, do not believe there is criteria you must meet when it comes to what “suffering” looks like. I have lost my sister to a car accident and I have gone through a tough breakup. While my sister’s death is a more lasting pain, I still cried many tears during that breakup and still catch myself trying to manage not having another person to share life’s moment with. The definition of “suffering” is “the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.” That means the pain of a breakup in God’s eyes is just as important as the pain of grieving a death. It’s hard for our brains to wrap around that concept, but God’s brain is much more complex than ours.
I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, “I know only Your love is enough to satisfy me, but I don’t know how to let it.” I am on the journey to satisfaction even as I type this. Here’s one thing I know: unless you are genuinely and intentionally seeking out a one-on-one connection with your Father, you will always be asking “how?”. In John 5, Jesus heals the crippled man. But how exactly did Jesus heal him? John 5:8-9 says “Jesus said to him, ‘Stand up! Pick up your sleeping mat and you will walk!’ Immediately he stood up—he was healed!” That’s it. “Stand up!” He says. He said that IF he had the faith to stand up himself and pick up his sleeping mat, THEN he would be able to walk. Jesus makes it clear here that sometimes, we have to stand up so that we can walk, not sit and wait until we can walk. So how do I let His love be enough to satisfy me? I stand up and walk. I might not do it gracefully, but I am learning how to walk with Him slowly, but surely.
1 Corinthians 7:17 says “And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.” Even though I am only 17 years old and have a lot of life ahead of me, I struggle with keeping God as the definition of my life. In the past I have put my music, my family, and, yes, a boy as the definition of my life. In the moment, I had no clue just how terribly unhealthy that is to do for whatever or whoever it is you are putting in that place and for yourself as well. It causes more pain, more frustration, and more distance away from your Father. I am learning everyday why God called me here to Haiti for this time of grief and loss and aloneness. I am learning that the climax of my life is not becoming a wife, but being a child of God. I am learning that so many things are sprouting up in places of my heart I never thought could obtain vegetation, and the ironic part is that a lot of my time spent here in Haiti has been spent alone.
I am still being worked on-- stretched and pulled and crushed for His new wine. I still find myself sobbing on the phone with my amazing mother. I still catch myself rolling my eyes at a future that I cannot see that is being prepared by a God that is ever-so perfect at the skill of creating beautiful things. I’m still learning and reminding myself everything you just finished reading. So what if He DOES call me to singleness for the rest of my life? I must remind myself who the first love of my life is; Him. Why has my life mission been finding “the one”? He is The One.
Isaiah 54:5 “For your Maker is your husband -- the Lord Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer-- He is called the God of all the earth.”
“Okay, Lord, I’m ready to heal now. I’m ready to get up and walk.”
“Are you sure? It’s not going to be fun.”
“Well I’m not having too much fun just sitting in this pain.”
‘Operation: Kimi’s intensive heart repair.’
Oh, by the way, have I mentioned that I love you?"